Bird Facts With Dave Currie – Part 1

SecretarybirdBird Facts: SecretarybirdUnlike most other birds of prey, the secretarybird doesn’t need an aerial advantage. The secretarybird will kill you where you stand. A family that kills together, stays together. These birds will often stand near fires, eating everything that comes running out. Though it is not practiced often, Secretarybirds can take down a young gazelle. They will snap the backs of adders. Secretarybirds are monogamous and have been known to mate in trees.
CaiqueBird Facts: The CaiqueFade in: A mob of birds is kicking the hell out of a bird of prey. Maybe a hawk or something, whatever the props department can do up for us. This bunch of birds doing the beating is called a caique clan. They are usually ten families strong and reside all together in one hollowed out tree.

Caiques often take an instant and lifelong dislike to another bird in its clan. This causes a ruckus. You can judge a caique’s emotions by its smell. Happy caiques smell sweet, whereas sad caiques
smell like cardboard.

In recent years scientists have been working around the clock and are now able to domesticate this group of hierarchical fascists. Caiques are now common house pets that bond strongly to people by hanging out with them for twenty minutes and then biting them repeatedly. This is called “making friends,” now you and your pet will share in this ritual every day for the next forty years. Also, don’t buy a cat because a caique will make it bleed out.

Oh, and their personalities are said to be “similar to the scottish.” Enjoy.

KakapoBird Facts: The Kakapo

The kakapo is a kind of owl or parrot or something. It is unique in that if you call it a parrot, it is the only one that can’t fly. Fifty percent of kakapos are deadbeat dads, the rest are sad stress-line etched single mothers. The only thing a kakapo uses its wings for is balance, as they are all very, very overweight. Okay, that was
unfair—when their enormous girth causes them to fall out of trees, they use their wings to prop themselves back up. Some birds just have fat genes.

When the kakapo schleps along, it drags its tail. They have keen sense of smell and are reasonably good climbers. Like most overweight vegetarians, the kakapo only comes out at night. And their young love to wrestle, Greco-Roman style. Like the Hispanics of the southern United States, kakapos like to seduce women with loud base noises. Unlike the Hispanics, kakapos emit them out of their own bodies.

The good times for the kakapos pretty much stopped when human beings showed up to New Zealand. First they were eaten and then run over, and now a “we are the world” style “save the kakapo” campaign has been started.

These are big birds, about the size of an overfed house cat. Check “the internet” for videos of their booming mating calls, and the schadenfreude of seeing one fall out of a tree.

Wild Frontier


About Kid-Scissor Hybrid

Online zine of technology + humanity with stories both real and fictional. Celebrating and fearing the inevitable!

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